Saturday, July 07, 2007

After all this

I think Brando and I are going to separate for awhile. Life has been pretty shit lately on the communication and financial side of things and it's not getting better. At least anytime soon. I know most of you out there who read me are happily married or about to be, but anything you can throw at me please do. I'm way too damn hurt and way too over it to face this barage of treating me like I'm lower than the dirt I stand on anymore.

PS Don't worry about me, I'm fine. Famous last words right? Seriously this has been a year in coming. Being in California really f*ed with our marriage and coming out here, well the financial strain has pretty much shed light on all our other problems. Seems one of us (read: not me) wants the perfect family his family had... up until they divorced after 20 years. And the other one of us (read: me) wants to change the effen cycle. Who signed me up to be a freakin' housewife for twenty years? Not me.

An email I sent out to friends after last night:
Well girls, this afternoon I had told Brandon we need to talk and that I won't be standing his criticism anymore. He has fixated himself on the house and specifically the laundry and treated me like a failure to keep from facing his own feelings of being a failure in providing for us as a family. The way he has treated me with the house has leaked over into other situations and the house is the main sore spot. Tonight things came to a head when he treated me like I was lower than dirt for telling him to calm down when he was being harsh to my son in the back of the car. We got home and I told him he needs to know just because we are supposed to be a "good Christian couple" doesn't mean I will stand for being criticized at every move and I think we should separate. He said fine and I told him I'd go to whoever would take me Monday night, find somebody to watch the kids, and we can both look for jobs this week. I called his Mom to see if she would fly out to keep an eye on the kids for a few weeks while we look for jobs and she offered to pay for daycare. I mentioned it to Brandon and he said he didn't want to drop our kids off so we could find work. His Mom also offered to pay for summer camps. When I mentioned that option he said he didn't care if it was summer camps he had a problem with dropping them off so we could find work, which led into a whole other conversation about where we see our lives and our priorities. It was even keeled, in our conversations lately there is no anger left, if we see it going that direction we stop and don't talk. Tonight we didn't stop and we talked. It was a good conversation but at the end I told him I need to know that I won't be treated like a failure no matter how I decide to lead the house or I need to leave. He gave me his word he wouldn't and I believe him. We'll see where things go from here. One day at a time, right?

And email advice back from a friend:
Honestly, you both seemed real un-happy last night. PSD, your house was clean and I'm sure is most of the time -- for crying out loud, you have two BOYS. I am all for you and Brando working it out, but before you jump the gun and say, "he promises to try and make it better" -- make sure you outline what it is that needs to be better, because when you write it down, it is probably more than him just criticizing you about the house. I am sure that you have your own quirks that he sees in the relationship, but I really only know your side and this advice is based on that.



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