A few thoughts...

because there's so many that don't even really have anything to do with each other I'm trying the whole heading thing my life is brilliant did once upon a time. Only hers was a story.

Crazy Month

The month of July has been so crazy that I didn't notice until today, the very last day of July, that my calendar was still on June.

Cuteness of my self-proclaimed
"Zoologist, Zoo Veterinarian, and Animal Rescuer" little guy

When Brando asked Shawners why Batman is his favorite superhero, Shawners replies, "Because... Batman... Because I like animals."

I'm a working woman!

My first assignment was for one day yesterday and it was AWESOME. And they wanted me back today. I helped prepare for their grand opening celebration they hosted this evening by putting together 150 gift bags (complete with wine bottles with personalized labels - totally made me think of the bags they give to celebrities at events like Sundance). Being around professionals and actually working myself reminded me of how much I liked being an advertising representative at a newspaper way back when eight years ago. In fact when I got off work today I called that newspaper to see if anyone I worked with still worked there and could tell future potential bosses how much I rock. There were three still there and they remember me and will totally do it! That was an awesome feeling.

New phone, old plan

We had switched my cell phone plan to Sprint to try and save money but when a $312 bill came in for the first month and it took three and a half hours (which included an hour of hold and an hour of talking to someone explaining my issue only come to find out she couldn't even help me) to get them to knock off $90 plus $30 for texting I was supposed to have free and then waive the cancellation fee. I am happy they did that so I could switch back to Verizon at least, but I am still sad it took the person at the END OF THE LINE to satisfy the customer. Brando went and signed me back up with Verizon this evening (yay IN minutes!) and got me this:


Complete with this pink silicone cover:


LOVE it!! And it takes the BEST pictures. The other phone I had with Sprint was red (okay, but not pink) and took CRAPPY pictures. This one rocks the pictures. And because Brando is with a certain real estate company he gets a 20% discount on our primary line and got this phone free. It was worth the $174 to Sprint just to find that out.

School and tests

Oh, by the way, that test I didn't study for I so still got a 93 on. Go me! Plus the final exam can make up for two of our other scores, so hopefully I rock that like I did the first three with studying and all!

Because I owe you an update

Brando and I are on the mend. Those four days away on my birthday weekend were the best thing I could have ever done - I can't wait until San Diego in August when I go see my cousin!! Back to that weekend, it totally allowed my head to clear and realize I WANT this marriage, and I WANT Brando. The good friend I stayed with called me out on something I REALLY needed to hear. She listened to a message Brando left me the morning after I left and noticed he said, "When you get home could we please respectfully talk about the issues we need to talk about?" She mentioned how important respect is to a guy and told me about a book she read last year called Love & Respect and how it really helped her marriage. She had actually given it to me to read about six months ago but I wasn't ready for it. That weekend I totally noticed how great her marriage is and her hubs was even out of town! He was so sweet on the phone (both our guys are very hard to get to talk on the phone guys), he paid for pedicures for her and I, for our hotel Saturday, and for Brando to send me flowers on my birthday and a standing raincheck to take me out to dinner anytime because we had no money! The book talks about how a guy's deepest need is to be respected, and a girl's deepest need is to feel loved. When I'm being disrespectful to him it's the same as him being unloving to me. So I've been working on it. It's a hard book for me to chew and so far I've only read the chapters pertaining to what is REALLY driving me crazy. I still subscribe to the "well he needs to EARN my respect", but then I think how would I feel if he said I have to earn his love. We're able to have a conversation now without blocking the other person out and not talking at all and ending up going our separate ways. Plus! I'm working! He's totally okay with it AND supportive. It's still hard getting him on board with arranging the babysitting which I told him he needs to be equally responsible for, so we're working on getting him fully on board with that. Especially since HE starts his new job next week!

Working Mom

So do I have to change the title of my blog if I start working regularly? Hehe just kidding! I had an interview today - I'm not sure if I got the job but it went okay. I gave up my very first assignment from the staffing place which would've been for today and tomorrow and all next week to go on the interview, but they called me again with an assignment for Monday. So that will be my first official day! It's at a luxury apartment community so that should be fun to start with. Hehe.

Oh because I'm working on Monday I had to squeeze in my test that's due Monday TODAY!! I found out the testing center closed two hours before I thought I did so I didn't have time to study everything the test covered. I went in with a "don't go to work on Monday or accept a lower score on this test" and I came out totally hoping I didn't fail!! I rocked the first three tests so I'm hoping even if I didn't do so great on this one I'll be okay. Now I know to plan better next time!

Justinbustin has been spending the night at his cousin's last night and tonight. It's so cute since we planned this over a week ago he's been going, "Am I going to spend the night at Lukesters tonight?" and we say, "No, on Thursday. That's however many days from now" and he says, "I don't get it." every. day. When we dropped him off he had his fully loaded backpack, his backpack of toys, a stuffed doggie, and an extra pair of shoes in hand. Today we asked him if we wanted to spend the night and he said, "Yeah. I packed clothes for a few days any way."

Shawners and Mommy and Daddy have been having movie, candy, and popcorn nights. Tonight turned into a Batmanathon. Love it. We've alternately been "squishling" or "squizzling" (halfway between squeezing and squishing) him and waiting until he notices us and tells us to schooch over.

Dum de dum dum

You know that feeling Courtney posted about awhile ago (that I'm too lazy to go find the link to but go check her out, she's awesome AND just moved to the big city, SF)? The one where you have soooo much to catch up on that you don't even know where to start with a post? And then you just decide you're going to jump back in where you're at because that's all you can do? That's where I'm at.

Today I'm going to a training for becoming a leasing agent with a temporary firm. I asked the sweet girls up at our leasing office if they were hiring. Unfortunately they are not, but they sent me to this place because it's the best one in Austin and it's where our apartments get all their hires from. Plus the girls were telling me 80% of the people who go through this temporary place end up being hired on permanently after a few assignments. That, and once I get the training, I can walk around and look for permanent jobs on my own. One more thing for the resume. Yay! Can't wait to get that degree on there.

Speaking of school this course I'm in is going at lightning speed. I've never experienced the "final" week but I have a feeling I'm about to. We've had three tests in the last four weeks and it's not slowing down anytime soon. I am LOVING understanding math though. I am completely tickled pink that I can actually understand some of this crap. It's so much fun trying to get Brando to help me and having to explain it to him!

The kids have been bounced off to babysitter after babysitter the last few weeks, and they are loving it. By the grace of God I found a babysitter last week while studying at Starbucks and the kids LOVE her. She is off to Germany for a few weeks but we used her to the fullest extent her the last few days she was here and hope we don't burn her out when she gets back ; ) ! We're considering public school for them, but really feel like it would be good for Shawners to have the at home and at school environment Justinbustin got to experience. On top of that I really need to look into the gifted and talented part at public school and I hear that's a bear. That'll be interesting.

PS So want to do a 'Girl Bloggers that Rock' post. Apparently I rock according to Sarah and Laura. I want to write about the girl bloggers that I love that rock!

All in a day's...

It looks like I may be going back to work to help get us out of this financial mess we've created. And by back, I mean back after 7 years back since just after JTpers was born. Geez it's been a long time. I'm scared sh*tless!! I totally know I have to start at the bottom, but forty hours a week doing ONE THING seems very scary to me. I know I've been a Mom for eight years, but lately since the boys have been older I have had a lot of freedom to do my own thing - with two kiddos tagging along everywhere I go of course. So working in one spot, one building, one desk, all day long seems very very strange.

Well since I'm headed that direction, do you have any suggestions as to what to look for and how to go about looking for it? Becky, by the way, I'm so taking you up on letting you know I'm looking for work!! That is so funny that you wrote that over a month ago and I just now got it, exactly when I'm starting to.

Whirlwind Weekend

What a BLAST! I've never spent the weekend away from my home and let me tell you it was WORTH it. Loved, loved, LOVED every moment. Kels and I watched dirty movies that we didn't realize were dirty but got some great inside jokes from, woke up to mimosas and croissants, went tubing on the Guadalupe, went to Outback where I had my very first shrimp dinner EVER (I'm 26 now, I can do those things), went downtown, then chilled low key the next day and went down to Sixth Street again with a bunch of my girlies. So. much. fun. As Jeni put it afterwards, "We need to not behave again soon." Oh yes we do.

Fun!

This is going to sound totally crazy after my last post but we had such an awesome family day today. The rough part isn't over and I'm not in denial, but it's only a situation and you can only make one change at a time. I'm working on it.

Back to our regularly scheduled program... we took the kids to a dinosaur park in Bastrop that I've been wanting to take them to forever and it was SO much fun! The people took such excellent care of the property and had fun little scavenger hunts for hidden dinosaurs and creatures, stepping stones to see how big the dinosaurs were, a fossil dig that had quite a few bones in it!, and a store that would be any dinosaur lovers dream. They even had a dinosaur nest with eggs and a baby dinosaur hatching out of one. Shawners is absolutely obsessed with just hatched baby dinosaurs so that was perfect for him!

Afterwards we went and splurged at P. Terry's (all $15 hehe), which is our In-N-Out, and had hamburgers, fries, snow cones, milkshakes, and cookies. Yum! Somehow we ended up with a free hamburger which is good because we were STARVING after not eating all day. Oh, on a side note, yesterday was P. Terry's second anniversary and a friend and I walked Town Lake then stopped to eat there and scored six free t-shirts. I told them we were there all the time and my hubby and kids just didn't happen to be with me this time. Then I got mediums so Brando could wear them all - the smalls were too big for the boys and I don't wear them. It was hilarious today we saw at least three other customers, besides the employees and Brando, in the same shirt.

After all this

I think Brando and I are going to separate for awhile. Life has been pretty shit lately on the communication and financial side of things and it's not getting better. At least anytime soon. I know most of you out there who read me are happily married or about to be, but anything you can throw at me please do. I'm way too damn hurt and way too over it to face this barage of treating me like I'm lower than the dirt I stand on anymore.

PS Don't worry about me, I'm fine. Famous last words right? Seriously this has been a year in coming. Being in California really f*ed with our marriage and coming out here, well the financial strain has pretty much shed light on all our other problems. Seems one of us (read: not me) wants the perfect family his family had... up until they divorced after 20 years. And the other one of us (read: me) wants to change the effen cycle. Who signed me up to be a freakin' housewife for twenty years? Not me.

An email I sent out to friends after last night:
Well girls, this afternoon I had told Brandon we need to talk and that I won't be standing his criticism anymore. He has fixated himself on the house and specifically the laundry and treated me like a failure to keep from facing his own feelings of being a failure in providing for us as a family. The way he has treated me with the house has leaked over into other situations and the house is the main sore spot. Tonight things came to a head when he treated me like I was lower than dirt for telling him to calm down when he was being harsh to my son in the back of the car. We got home and I told him he needs to know just because we are supposed to be a "good Christian couple" doesn't mean I will stand for being criticized at every move and I think we should separate. He said fine and I told him I'd go to whoever would take me Monday night, find somebody to watch the kids, and we can both look for jobs this week. I called his Mom to see if she would fly out to keep an eye on the kids for a few weeks while we look for jobs and she offered to pay for daycare. I mentioned it to Brandon and he said he didn't want to drop our kids off so we could find work. His Mom also offered to pay for summer camps. When I mentioned that option he said he didn't care if it was summer camps he had a problem with dropping them off so we could find work, which led into a whole other conversation about where we see our lives and our priorities. It was even keeled, in our conversations lately there is no anger left, if we see it going that direction we stop and don't talk. Tonight we didn't stop and we talked. It was a good conversation but at the end I told him I need to know that I won't be treated like a failure no matter how I decide to lead the house or I need to leave. He gave me his word he wouldn't and I believe him. We'll see where things go from here. One day at a time, right?

And email advice back from a friend:
Honestly, you both seemed real un-happy last night. PSD, your house was clean and I'm sure is most of the time -- for crying out loud, you have two BOYS. I am all for you and Brando working it out, but before you jump the gun and say, "he promises to try and make it better" -- make sure you outline what it is that needs to be better, because when you write it down, it is probably more than him just criticizing you about the house. I am sure that you have your own quirks that he sees in the relationship, but I really only know your side and this advice is based on that.

Where I'm Going

in August!! Yay! I'm going to see my cousin who lives near San Diego and across from Catalina Island. Fun fun!

Update: Got my ticket today! Wow it's been nine years since I've flown by myself!! I'm SO excited and a little nervous!!

Happy 4th!

We went to a fireworks show last night with JaeWu and hubby and had brownie sundaes. Tonight we hung with my math girls at one of the girls house near the lake, then went down by the lake to watch fireworks and set off our own.

Gross

My neighbors are in Cabo for the week and I'm watching their (cute tiny Shihtzu) dog for them while they are away. Unfortunately a week ago it got FLEAS and TICKS when her baby's daddy came over from the country with his flea and tick ridden dog. I thought all the ticks were gone as she had found several in her house but apparently not because this morning when I was petting her I found a tick!!! Ewwwwww!!! I took her to the vet next door to have it removed because no way in hell was I going to do that and they found TWO MORE!!! Plus she was absolutely flea ridden. They took the ticks out and gave her Frontline to kill the fleas for the next 3-4 weeks, so hopefully by the time they get back the flea problem they now have will be gone for the most part. Aren't I nice to take care of her flea problem for her *dripping sarcasm*. Poor dog hasn't been over to my house once. Good for my house! Ew.

Haven't Stopped

Holy crap! Brando was gone for the last two days and I didn't stop from the moment he left.

Friday we went over to a friend's house to look at model homes in her neighborhood with her (we're considering dumping the house down south and staying up north - though after seeing those homes it reconfirms what an AMAZING deal we are getting down south in the heart of Austin). Friday evening we went to the pool and then I did four hours of math homework.

Saturday morning we got up early to go to a sweet little girl's birthday party. Her Mom is my good friend whose Dad died a few weeks ago and I really wanted to be there for her at this first event that her Dad wasn't at. I cry thinking about it. Saturday afternoon one of my study partner girlies came over and we went to the pool for the afternoon and grilled fajita meat at the pool later in the evening, then came home and studied for two hours.

Sunday the boys and I woke up earlier than usual to get to church and make copies for a curriculum meeting I did after church. I'm the curriculum coordinator for our young marrieds Sunday school class, Brando is my 'muscle', and we have a team of six who work with us, sharing ideas and contacting speakers. Brando was out of town. Fortunately my sister watched my kids and not everybody showed up. Thank God as that's the first time I've ever conducted a meeting on my own and I was nervous as heck. Fewer people made it seem more cozy. We concluded the thoughts for the curriculum for the year and met all our objectives so it was productive.

After the meeting I met one of my study partners at Starbucks for MORE homework with my kids and my nephew (who kept an eye on them while we studied) in tow. She and I knocked out our last section and our quiz AND understood it! Yay! Brando showed up straight from the airport while we were finishing up there. She took off and we headed home. The kids forgot their game boy charger back at Starbucks so we left them with my nephew and Brando and I ran back for the chargers and picked up some cute Starbucks coffee mugs on sale and a yummy rice krispie treat to share (we were both exhausted and needed it!). We dropped by the grocery store to return movies on the way home then deposited a check at my bank, and then Brando's bank, and were finally HOME to do nothing. Brando has been passed out on the couch for the last two hours and me, well, I'll be going to sleep early tonight.