That place

Aaand I've gotten there. The place I don't want to be. The place where I say no to going out because it messes with my baby's schedule. The place where I let my kids schedule determine mine instead of the other way around. 

The place where I'm so tired I'll do anything I can to work around his schedule to keep baby happy so I don't have to be tired AND deal with miserable baby at same time. Maybe it's the age. Maybe it's me. I can't figure out which. I miss my friends. I miss my life. I love my baby. 

When I look at him I wouldn't trade a second of what I have with him. I'm glad he has a mommy that loves him so much adoring his every move. 

I just wish he had a happier mommy. I think too he is nursing less. My hormones are changing. That major oxytocin high where I haven't felt the low of the roller coaster for ten whole months is slowing down.

 I'm hitting the low and hitting hard. 

Last night I had a dream we had a sky ride coming into our bedroom. We rode on. The cable snapped. Somehow we survived. Then I accidentally got back on the broken cable with Logan. Brandon saw what was happening jumped in the next car then threw his phone over the side in despair when he realized what just happened. We'd both gotten on a broken ride. If that's not symbolism of how I'm feeling, I don't know what is. I'm back in that place again. I wish I wasn't. 

Little man says whether you're voting for school board or president, exercise you're right to vote!

Full swing

This guy is in full activity mode. There's no stopping for me. Or him. I get about five minutes of work time before he needs mom. I power work through his nap and fall into bed exhausted or mindlessly late night shop at night.

At times I think I could get so much more done if I had my me time again, then I think I wouldn't be doing crap if I had my me time. This little face is so motivating I work my butt off a hundred times as hard to be around this little man. Baby proofing is in full effect - outlet covers, baby stair gate on the way, crib mattress needs to be lowered to lowest rung, cords are shoved behind dressers, doors are utilized. 

These two in music class make my heart melt. I am so grateful for music class for Logan. I love that he loves and appreciates music already. I wish I knew about this when my older boys were younger. 

Driver and a Baby

Today my nearly 16 year old drove me home. I smell Axe as he walks out of the shower. He carries my La Croix for me out of the grocery store and into the house, along with everything else. He gives me a hug. Feels like a hug from a man. Somehow he was my baby almost 16 years ago. This happened in a blink. Tomorrow he will be out of my house. I am so, so, so grateful for Logan. I have tears as I type the previous to the last sentence. If I didn't have Logan I'd be in an all out fetal position sobbing.

This growing up is so beautiful. So difficult. Letting go. Letting them be an adult with an opinion of their own. Different from yours. Even though you raised them with all your opinions. They come back at you with wisdom you don't recognize. Where did that come from? Thank God He brings others in his life. Having duplicates of ourselves for children wouldn't change the world. I pray he has a heart for God and to serve others, full of character.

It's a Fungus

Ew, gross.

Welcome to the world of boys. I love every moment. Except the fungus. GROSS. But so, so, SO excited it's not eczema. Fungus you can get rid of. Eczema not so much. Who knows where eczema comes from. I think he might've got the fungus from a horse nuzzling his face. Oops. I took boy mama too seriously.

So he's been covered in bandages for the last few weeks to keep the cream. But still cute as a bug. His new favorite face is wrinkling his nose up. Everyone loves it.

A little quiet time

After two days of taking a break from the business, focusing on what to do to heal little man, I'm ready to return tomorrow. He's not healed, but I have a plan of attack and a renewed focus on him. Praying I can keep that going with my time divided between him and shop again.

 It was nice to get a few orders made without the constant mind work of the business over my head. Maybe my business partner and I can take turns taking a "day off" each week for the sake of our families. Difficult to do cause we have so much fun growing and building, but may be necessary.

Acupuncture for Babies

Acupuncture for babies is actually acupressure for babies. And I can do it at home! The acupuncturist said definitely a food allergy combined with myself having dairy again. Doesn't help my mom guilt but at least I can stop wondering. He gave me some herbs, too, which I have yet to give Logan since we went straight to Mommy and Me Yoga while he slept on the way, and he fell asleep immediately after. 

I'm hopeful for the herbs to take away the rash but also nervous. I've had Chinese herbs before that smelled like mushrooms. I pretty much felt like I was on mushrooms taking them even though I've never done anything like that. I'll just give them and watch. Praying the horrible red splotchy spots go away.

Eczema Research

I've taken a break today from work to contemplate what to do about this little guy breaking out in eczema. My heart is so so so broken that I broke him. I fed him way too much variety way too soon. I know better especially with Brando's side being allergenic.

So today I contemplated. Tomorrow morning he has an acupuncture appointment. Praying this goes well. Today I realized the things I've been doing different the last few weeks when these allergic reactions have popped up - eating dairy and giving him table food, and no acidophilus the last few days

So even though I had pizza tonight before I realized as I've been lenient the past few weeks, no more dairy once again. If it can make him spit up maybe it can give him eczema now that he's a little too old to spit up much. I've replenished my acidophilus, loading up to make up for missing a few days (amazing how it helps my mood and perspective - there's several TED talks on gut flora and mood, totally agree) and even giving Logan some mixed in water with a spoon. I tried to go to basic baby oatmeal today with breast milk mixed in. He hated it. That's what I get for a partly baby led weaned baby. Tomorrow I think I'll blend up the regular organic oatmeal I have for him so it's a little easier to digest and try that instead. My mom said to just do oatmeal for the next week to clean out his system, so we're trying that and praying it works. The chronic cases of eczema I've heard from friends and see via google are so scary. I never knew asthma, hay fever, and eczema were related. I guess I'm glad I realize he has those tendencies now so I can watch out for them. Even though I wholeheartedly believe I'm the one who did this to him in the first place. Praying for the acupuncture tomorrow, and researching researching researching in the meantime. 

Being perfect

I raised both the boys without grandparents around. Now I'm raising another without grandparents around. Sometimes my heart is broken as a result. Sometimes I just want my mom around. Sometimes I just want to be within a days drive of all our family. My sister out here raised her boys across the street from their grandparents. Sometimes I feel like my boys get to see more of my parents because they'll come to visit us exclusively for a period of time. They've been here for each of the boys birthdays except for last years. They've been here for every Mother's Day, our anniversary, and Thanksgiving because of the ways the dates fall except for last years. Last year, this year, I'm not on top of things and don't have them out here. I'm missing them incredibly.

Logan has eczema. I am slightly freaking out. Okay, a lot. Every person I know who has dealt with eczema with their kid has dealt with a never ending battle. I'm so disappointed in myself for causing it in the first place. I fed him a bunch of foods all at once without giving his little body time to process. Now I don't know what caused it. Not to mention he already had an allergic reaction from doing the same thing last week that refuses to go away.

I've given him probiotics, put weleda on the spots, will stop feeding him anything he hasn't had quite a few times without a reaction, and possibly take him to baby acupuncture to get last weeks reaction to go away but I am so so so disappointed with myself for being crazy with his food options in the first place.

This week I am so off kilter as it is. Brando switched our work spaces around so now we work completely separately from each other - he upstairs, I downstairs. I basically never see him and don't even get to work next to him anymore. It's funny, I'll mention it to him but he won't do anything about it til I break down. Well I'm breaking down. I can barely hang on with both of us working 24/7 as it is. Not even getting to work next to him and now my baby breaking out in exczema is breaking me.

Things I Want To Remember Before They Pass By

Logan does so many sweet things I thought were around to stay but quicker than I can blink they are passing by. I always want to remember he

*plays peekaboo with EVERYthing. Blanket, basket liner, diaper, beanie, shirt, pajamas, you name it he plays peekaboo with it. By himself. Item over his face, legs and arms out straight, hardly able to contain himself with excitement at the possibility of what is beyond this thing he put over his face. I thought this was around to stay but sadly is going by the wayside as he moves on to bigger and better things.

*holds my hand as we're driving to fall asleep. He still does this initially but let's go instead of holding on the whole time like he used to. He also used to grab onto the ring on the bottom of his toy hanging above his car seat if a hand (mine, dads, or his brothers) wasn't available.

*lets me kiss him to sleep all over his face. I've been able to do this a few times recently but oh the baby smell I could breathe in when he let me do this regularly.

*smiles crazy daddy smiles when daddy gets home. As he gets older and mom is more stressed out and less encouraging for the excitement when daddy gets home this is fading. He's transferred most of his entire body excitement to his brother who sits and entertains him for hours once he gets home from school.

*lets me rock him to sleep. This one isn't going by the wayside anytime soon, but rocking in our glider next to the window as you stare at the trees makes my heart so full feels like it may burst.