Allison sent me an mp3 of Bebo Norman's "Break Me Through". The first few times I heard it my heart ached and broke just listening to it, I wanted to burst into tears but I couldn't, the tears wouldn't come in and I would have to turn off the song to keep from breaking.
Then I could listen to it with the thought of "Break Me Through" as breaking me through. Hurting, pain, but a purpose to it all.
Now I hear it with "light shining through". Let Your light shine through me and I feel hope. And I hear "I can feel You through this loneliness." My heart has settled into loneliness. Not for lack of friends, God has blessed me and my cup overfloweth with joy in that area, in ways I never imagined or dared hope for, but for lack of family.
My MIL mentioned reaching out to my sister that is here and making that my family. And I have, and my sister has been amazing with being there. Almost every Sunday we've spent together, which I can't believe. Her husband can get overwhelmed a lot, but she has been coming to church without him because of his aching back and then having lunch and spending the better part of the day with us. She has been reaching out and instead of holding in, I have been reaching back.
The loneliness is still there, for the family, the sister I can so vehmently be annoyed with at times yet is the closest thing to a fraternal in every way twin I could ever have, the grandparents who drive me nuts with their tendency to be close minded to new things but who treat my kids like they are angels on earth, my MIL who I used to butt heads so very hard with but who has become a very close friend that treats not just my kids but everyone around here like I imagine God would treat people if they were here on earth. The loneliness. I can feel You through this loneliness, breaking me through.