Why Do You Read Blogs?

I read blogs to connect. To feel I'm normal. To know that what I'm going through, somebody else has already gone through or is going through it, and they are okay. And I will be, too.

Just this morning I came across this post from Young House Love about their parents selling their childhood home and downsizing. Albeit, in this case, they are downsizing a lot closer to where their children and grandchildren are, but still. Their childhood home is going away.

This morning I was in tears and vented to Brando (poor guy) about how it just hit me that his mother is selling his childhood home. The one the boys and I have grown to love the last ten years. The one we've visited and stayed in every time we go to California. The one with the beautiful guest room we give a little happy sigh to be in every time we plop our suitcases on the floor and fall down on the down-comforter covered bed in happy relief to be away from the stress of real life.

The one where the boys have only this last trip or two discovered the secluded little hill and and trees tucked in between a few houses next to hers and the campus of UCSC where Brando and his brother used to play and climb and now beg to go there each time we visit. The one where I look around at all the happy memories and happy collectibles some might call clutter but are so lovingly placed and dust free (HOW does she do it?!) that it couldn't pass as clutter if it tried.

She's packing all those things up in boxes and getting them ready for an estate sale, minus anything we would like. I'm making a list of things that are the most special that I would love to have in my house to look at and smile every day - like the paintings she bought in Sundance when I first met Brando and she had taken Justinbustin and I to Utah with them for Thanksgiving at her sisters, and the painting that has XOXO and a rose on it that she commissioned Brando's good friend and Shawner's namesake to paint for her. I'm so visual I wish I had taken pictures of her home before she packed it all up. Perhaps I can scrounge up a mish-mash from photos of the boys taken in the home, and be content with the happy, happy memories there in the meantime.

My heart is breaking a little to know that this place of comfort won't be there any longer. But I realize she will make wherever she is home, and wherever she is we will have a place to stay. I wish I could say she was coming here to our city, but it looks like she will be moving closer to Aptos, the place I grew up in.

Reading Young House Love's post put it all in perspective again, and reminded me, like I had already realized but am having trouble remembering as it's happening, that all parents downsize when their children grow up and leave the home whether they are in an ugly situation (hers is) or not. I'm not alone in dealing with this situation. It's easier for me to see that they will be okay, and as I realize they will be okay, I realize I will be okay, too.

Tell me, why do you read blogs?

Favorite Memories of My Semester

Hello long lost friends!! I did it! I survived my first full-time semester as a Mom, wife, friend, and human being. There were a few times I didn't think I was going to make it through, but then I would text a friend and they would offer their house, a beer, and a quiet place, or a word of encouragement telling me I could do it, and they believed in me, and I would truck on.

Before I took my finals I finished with an A in all four classes!! Whoohoo. For sure two have stuck - in history and english, and I'll wait to see what I get in math and psych, but I'm happy. I set out to be happy with a few B's if I got them. When that became a possible prospect I started to lose face under the reality. That led to really growing to accept it, even up to only studying an hour for my history final and still making an A on it (talk about a confidence booster ;) !!

Any way, I had a fabulous first semester, and even though I broke the last week thinking I NEVER wanted to go through this again, I actually couldn't imagine not having such an amazing opportunity to learn and meet new friends with similar lifelong goals taking the steps we all have to take to get there.

Tada! Some of my favorite memories of my semester:

Celebrating awesome exam scores with hi fives with Arisa

Late night study sessions with KT

Having someone to understand the panic attacks and anxiety with Katey

Hanging out with Marlie, Christian, Laurin, and Ambir in English

Finding a true friend in Marlie (and Katey!!)

Shocking myself with an A in history from a 58 out of 60 on the final!

People who believe in me - KT, Li, Mai, all of you, (others I'm forgetting) and all my girls from school.

I don't know, something amazing I guess

At any one point in time something amazing is happening in the world. This weekend I have been so grateful for my something amazing happening right here, right now in my own quiet little world. It doesn't appear to be amazing to the outside world, or to me even. It being time with my family, my amazing hubby who bends over backwards for me doing everything I shouldn't be doing, the massage he scheduled not once, not twice, but three times simply because I didn't feel up to going to the first two appointment times he had scheduled, the movies and treats he ran out to get, the massages he gave me, the plans he made with the boys, the outings he planned with all of us. These are truly precious to me. I'm glad I had a whole weekend where I was literally forced to sit back and experience them. A small piece of what my life would be without me making the plans and dictating what we do, just sitting back and enjoying. I love the amazing, too, and can not WAIT to get back to it, but I have so enjoyed the quiet amazing this weekend.

As far as being literally forced to enjoy the weekend, or actually four day vacation (yay, Brando!), going to the chiro literally made my back so bad I woke up in tears the next morning and was heavily drugged for the next two days just to bear the pain. The original pain is gone I think unless the all over back pain that replaced it once I went to the chiro is drowning out the original pain. It has slowly gotten better by taking muscle relaxants and not doing ANYthing to make it worse and I'm so hoping it will heal completely soon!

The title quote is for Sami... can anyone guess where it came from?

Heart Pounding

The smoke alarm goes off, I smell smoke. I look around and see a candle burning innocently and my oven has just been turned off a few minutes before. We live in apartments and I remember that fire coming from other apartment homes can sit in the walls from and whole buildings can burn down. I tell the kids to go outside. I look around, wondering if I should save anything and decide I just need my purse and my cell phone to get to safety. I grab them, along with my cordless phone to call 911, and walk outside with the kids. The alarm has gone off now and I tell the operator that, but that I still smell smoke. He sends someone out. We wait outside for a few minutes and then come back in to see if it still smells. The smell is fading. I call 911 back to tell them the smoke alarm has gone off, the smell of smoke is fading, but I still don't know where it came from. He says they are almost there, let them come check it out any way. A few minutes later the house starts getting warm and I realize I've turned the heater on. Then it hits me. The heater turning on for the first time this season caused the smoke smell, and the fire alarm. Does this count this as a Courtney moment I wonder.

They ended up coming inside to check it out any way (thank God for my ten minute mad dash to hide the laundry and clean up the lunch dishes as 4 firemen + messy house would = one embarrassing moment). They did tell me I did the right thing. I couldn't figure out why I was still shaking after they had come until I realized I had gone through the thought process of "What should I save?" and realized the only important thing was to make sure the kids and I could get to safety.

Afraid to Finish

Not THAT kind of finish, just finishing things in general. I get ALMOST to the end and then I cop out, especially if it's not an absolutely perfect situation (because so many things are, right?). Because I'm afraid. Afraid of turning the next corner and what I may find. Unless it has something that I'm remotely comfortable with or somebody else before me has done it, then I'm all over it. Otherwise I am scared. Scared to finish. Where are my wings?

Case in point, finding a nanny. We found one. I'm afraid to call her and offer her the job. What if she doesn't end up working out? What if she doesn't take our offer? What if we change our minds (again)? What if she doesn't take care of my kids as well as I would? I did finally call her this morning after realizing being scared of finishing is my hang up.

Second case in point, my job. I'm supposed to start permanently on the tenth and I am scared. to. death. Someone else to be responsible to? Someone else who can tell me I'm doing a shit job if I don't happen to juggle all the work, home, family life just right? Someone else who can fire me if I don't live up to the expectations? Somewhere I have to go almost every day and make sure my kids are taken care of absolutely without a doubt every single time and get fired if I don't? Scared shitless.

Buying our house? I picked out all the stuff for it, even the door in the garage that will be perfect for the dog or muddy kids. But I'm going to have to live with all those decisions day in and day out, and won't be able to blame the placement of the door, or the color of the counters, or the fact that we didn't choose to upgrade to the glass block tile in the bathroom on someone else. Just me. I'm scared of the finishing process of actually BUYING it, going ahead with the loan. Even if it means walking away from the $3500 we've put down that almost sounds like a better option to me than actually finishing the job.

Also. Finishing one job means I have to take the next. That scares me too.