Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Afraid to Finish

Not THAT kind of finish, just finishing things in general. I get ALMOST to the end and then I cop out, especially if it's not an absolutely perfect situation (because so many things are, right?). Because I'm afraid. Afraid of turning the next corner and what I may find. Unless it has something that I'm remotely comfortable with or somebody else before me has done it, then I'm all over it. Otherwise I am scared. Scared to finish. Where are my wings?

Case in point, finding a nanny. We found one. I'm afraid to call her and offer her the job. What if she doesn't end up working out? What if she doesn't take our offer? What if we change our minds (again)? What if she doesn't take care of my kids as well as I would? I did finally call her this morning after realizing being scared of finishing is my hang up.

Second case in point, my job. I'm supposed to start permanently on the tenth and I am scared. to. death. Someone else to be responsible to? Someone else who can tell me I'm doing a shit job if I don't happen to juggle all the work, home, family life just right? Someone else who can fire me if I don't live up to the expectations? Somewhere I have to go almost every day and make sure my kids are taken care of absolutely without a doubt every single time and get fired if I don't? Scared shitless.

Buying our house? I picked out all the stuff for it, even the door in the garage that will be perfect for the dog or muddy kids. But I'm going to have to live with all those decisions day in and day out, and won't be able to blame the placement of the door, or the color of the counters, or the fact that we didn't choose to upgrade to the glass block tile in the bathroom on someone else. Just me. I'm scared of the finishing process of actually BUYING it, going ahead with the loan. Even if it means walking away from the $3500 we've put down that almost sounds like a better option to me than actually finishing the job.

Also. Finishing one job means I have to take the next. That scares me too.

2 Comments:

girl from florida said...

Oh my gosh honey, you are so not alone. I am terrified of finishing sometimes because I am afraid I will fail. That's why I dropped out of pre-med and now it's one of my biggest regrets EVER. Same with studying abroad. Currently I am terrified about finishing my PhD, many many many times have I thought, I'll just put it off, that way I won't fail!

But with these things, I think of it as jumping into the ocean, just close my eyes and DO IT!!

Anyways, just remember we are all in this with you and rooting you on like crazy!!!!

Brandon said...

Lilou,

Firstly, you finish "that" way very, very well. Secondly, when you WANT to finish something (especially 'that'), come heaven or high water, you WILL finish it and you will finish it well.

I regularly tell folks i'm talking about family with this and know that its true!

Love you Lilou.
Teddy

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