Friday, December 14, 2007


Why is it any time we decide to go do something it's sold out? Or why is it I always find out about something just before it happens? And why is it I feel like I "just" missed the deadline or just missed the point that I could do anything? Why is it that when I miss out on the 'group activities' I feel like I am creating an empty shell of memories for my children? Cub scouts has fallen by the wayside for Justinbustin this year and he can never recapture those memories. I am so disappointed in myself for not following through on that.

Thus was the rabbit trail leading to this... Sometimes I feel like I am single mothering it around here. Brando keeps telling me I don't "need" to work, I don't "need" to work (this is his response to my venting about frustration about not being able to keep the house together while doing my own school, working, and homeschooling the boys), but if I don't work he's gone more and more and more and more. What kind of life and what kind of memories is that for our boys, never mind me? It hurts so much every time he tells me I don't need to work, it feels like a slap across the face, because it feels like he's saying he doesn't want to be with us. I don't know if you've ever heard of the book the Five Love Languages. It describes how each of us has a different way of feeling loved and giving love. My way of feeling loved is quality time. When I don't get that my world crumbles. For someone to say they would rather be away from me all the time, rather than us both making the money while we're away from each other any way and the kids are in school, cuts me to the core. When I vent about not being able to keep the house together all I want to hear is an, "I understand." and maybe a helping hand the few seconds he's home when I'm in the middle of doing something any way, not a "You're being selfish and only thinking of yourself by working, after all you don't need to work."  I thought I found hope, but maybe hopelessness has captured me.



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