Bittersweet

I thought going back and reading some of my old posts would make me feel better. Not so. Happy happy happy freakin' posts. The first sad one I found was in April. Maybe that was when I started categorizing them though. I'll have to look into it more, but right now I just don't want to go through all the happy.

My husband keeps telling me to stop looking at all the negatives, but try as I might the only positives I could come up with were counteracted with a negative. So I wrote down all the negatives of living in California, the negatives of living in Texas (no family, kids not growing up around family), the positives of living in Texas which ended up being ones that I still need to work on, and the positives of living in California which were ones I worked on during the year there and wouldn't have been able to write down right away. It helps, at least I have something in solid form and I don't have all these thoughts floating around in my head making me crazy.

I've been meeting up with people and going out as much as possible to keep myself sane. It helps. I usually get sad when I wake up and all these thoughts rush into my head, although this morning was okay, around 2pm, the downtime of the afternoon when I'm just tired and don't have the energy to be doing something that takes my mind off all these thoughts, and night time. Hubby has been working until 7:30-8pm every night and after 5pm it gets really hard to not think about all the sadness.

I've been praying for the sadness in my heart to go away and be replaced with happiness. The sermon yesterday at the church we attended was on faithfulness, how being faithful to your spouse/family is not just about adultery, but about giving your whole life to them, your whole mission and thought process. That was good for me to hear. Damn, I can't believe all the happy posts in California, I'm really going to have to reread through those.

Update: ahahahahaha. I just found my Quiet Dreams and Passing Nightmares blog. I had forgotten about it. There's were all those unhappy thoughts went. Now I'm reminded of why I went to California. And reminded of why I kept such a happy blog. Oops. Reasons for everything there are.