Financial Workshop Week Two

Today we looked at Cash Flow Planning. Cash Flow Planning is a politically correct word for the word 'budget' for those of us who cringe and feel like an instantly caged animal when hearing that word.

They introduced a plan where you plan to spend every penny of your money before it is even received. It covered normal bills and expenses, to saving, to debt, to money to blow. Basically anywhere our money can go it can be accounted for before it goes there, all the way down to a ZERO balance. They actually mentioned if you have leftover money when you're done at the end of the month you didn't get it. Things like savings, holidays, vacations, and blow money (for when you just want to blow money - haha that sounds perverted) all get taken care of and accounted for now, not left by the wayside for when and if we get there.

We are only on the second week so far. Already I have been getting way more out of it than I thought I would. I thought I was just there for Brando's sake ; ). After all I know how to save. Turns out I don't know how to spend : ) .

My song

No, really. My sister always calls me Rosie Posie and today her mother-in-law informed us there was a Rosie Posie song. I do prefer it to be spelled Rosey Posey if she HAS to call me that though... those pesky big sisters who think they are still your mother ; ) .

Al Jolson - Ma Blushing Rosie

There's a little bunch of sweetness,
That I long to call my bride.
And believe me I'm not happy,
Lest my baby's by my side.
Her baptismal name was Rosie,
But she put's the rose to shame.
And almost every night,
you'll here me call her name.

Chorus
Rosie, you are my posie,
you are my hearts bouquet,
Come out here in the moonlight,
There's something sweet love,
I wanna say.
Your honey boy I'm waiting,
Those ruby lips to greet
Don't be so captivating
My blushing rosie
My Posie sweet.

Rosie, you are my posie,
You are, my hearts bouquet
Come out, here in the moonlight
There's something sweet love.
I'm gonna sing about my baby,
Your honey, your boy I'm waiting
Those rubies, those lips to greet
Don't be so captivating,
My blushin rosie,
My posie sweet.

Young Mothers

Did I ever tell you about N*cole? She's in my class at school. We've been through the first math class together and now we're going through the second math class together. Her, K*m, and I together.

N*cole is my age. In December she'll turn the same year I turned in July. She has an eight year old and a half year old. Just like me. Before her I'd never met another mother who is the same age as me with a kid as old as mine. My jaw dropped when I learned she had an eight year old. We share a special bond, her and I, knowing what being such a young mom in such a f*cked up life is like. She's my rock, my fun girl, my one I share glances with that only other 25 and 26 year old mothers with eight year olds can understand. She is everything I've never been and so much of what I am and have been. She makes me feel not afraid of my crazy and isn't afraid to face her own. Being a mother this young of such an older child is crazy and I feel it. She emailed me the sweetest email last night, cheering me on, empathizing with me, and telling me to chill the f*ck out. Then she emailed me an email she sent to one of her lovers, because she has two. One she's with and one she wishes she could be with. And I laughed when I received it and felt a kinship with her over our crazy. Way back when I would've chosen my friends based on my closed-mindedness and couldn't have imagined a friendship with someone so different, yet strangely similar. God's taken me down so many different paths that I now find the people I am the most judgemental about getting to know end up being the most fascinating and intriguing people I've ever known. His opening of my mind and overflow of that open-mindedness into my heart and our similarities brought us together and she is one of the sweetest closest friends I could've imagined and always has my back. Always. Now I find her lifestyle isn't so different than mine, we've both taken different paths to get here with some similarities along the way, and here we are, crossing at the same place and walking along together for awhile.

Who I want to be

Somebody with desires and passions. Dreams, both fulfilled and unfulfilled. Happy and able to enjoy life in whatever situation I am in.

That used to be me, what happened to me?! I need to figure out how to be that in the space I am in right now i.e. with having LOTS of those dreams unfulfilled (owning a house we actually live in, being able to buy something I just want without breaking the bank, being out of debt).

For some reason I felt like me working would've fixed a lot of those, maybe that's still the case, I don't know. Part time work with kids in school part time is near impossible to find, unless (wait for it) you're college educated. I still do want to have a family by the time I'm done with it all. And somewhere in the back of my heart I still want to do what's best for my children.

I'm getting sick of my own plea. Where's the baby step for this? I need something to pour myself into and this sniffling about it is not it.

Family Night

Brando got home from work early today to study at home. I took off when he got here to pick up the boys from school and when we got home the boys got out their bikes and scooters, I put on my work out clothes and we headed up to the gym and basketball court so the kids could play while we worked out. We ran/rode/walked/scootered up there - all five of us - Brownie too, then worked out/played basketball/watched animal planet and emeril for a good two and a half hours before we headed back home. Once home I ran to the grocery store for salad fixings, hamburger meat for spaghetti sauce, and ice cream, then got back and made a yummy dinner of spaghetti and salad. Then the boys settled in for a few minutes of Iron Giant while Brando and I took a shower. Now the boys are off to bed and we'll catch up on any shows that might have been put online in the last day and have our ice cream. Nights like these are like rainbows after a rainy day.

Balance

And theme songs. Since earlier this year, well since a few years ago really I have had theme songs for the space in life I'm at. It started off with Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield, moved on to Say It Right by Natalie Furtado, then Into the Ocean by Blue October, Glamorous by Fergie, then Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie. And now. Now I don't know what it is.

This is where the balance comes in. Brando mentioned all my songs are "girl power" songs. And yes I am on that trip. I CAN be powerful and be a girl, dammit. But right now I just want to curl up and feel the safety of Brando's arms. I don't want to do it on my own. How do I feel like the take charge woman I can be and enjoy being and still feel that safety and that comfort of having the relationship I have? Or am I supposed to feel one way or the other? Is there a balance in between the two?

For a moment there I thought I caught a glimpse of who I am. Now I'm not so sure. Was that me or who I want to be when I'm not feeling the satisfaction of who I am when I'm at home? These are the days I wish I had those confusing and clarifying days of college to have already gone through so I would already have had those defining moments of me.

Weird

So my hubby's been reading my blog. As well as creating one of his own which is a hundred times prettier than mine has ever been (pooey). For some reason him reading mine weirds me out and every time the writing juices start flowing they stop when I get here.

We started a financial workshop yesterday. Yay! Action points Brando came up with when we left was to start our emergency fund and start saving $100/month and giving both of those to me to hide, as the case may be. I love taking the first step, I just hope it turns into more steps.

Back at Square One

So the schedule for my new job? Insane. Not what I signed up for, and with it being a new property, wouldn't change for a long while. She had me working six days in a row last week and this week would've been near the same. Besides working until 7pm plus in the evening every evening - and don't forget class till 8pm on Mondays and Wednesdays. I'm exhausted, I'm tired, and I'm done. With that job any way. I'm trying so hard not to feel like a failure and a quitter because I totally do. That time frame would NOT have worked for my family and I have been enjoying every second of time I've had with them (and sleep) this weekend. I'm trying hard to look at what's coming up on my schedule and realize MORE job search is coming up - maybe even harder this time around because I realize what will happen if the schedule doesn't fit mine much. Plus I've got school with the boys two days a week and they need a fun Mom around, not depressed Mom around. Although I have to admit depressed is better than the panic attacks I was having last week with going from 6am in the morning to midnight every day and not seeing my family at all in the interim.

My sister and her mother-in-law have been praying for me (thanks Laura, I appreciate yours). That has really helped me hang on to the idea that there might be hope. 'Cause I sure don't see it.

I just quit my job

I think my family is falling apart every which way imaginable and I don't know what to do anymore. I am so scared for life and I think I'm losing it.

Tomorrow

I start my new job. I am so scared.

I feel like I came home to a hotel...

but it's my home. My clean home. I actually walked back outside so I could come back in and smell the clean. Mmmm.

My cousin is visiting tonight and I have had time to do zilch the last month. In the meantime Brando has kept things up but done absolutely no heavy duty cleaning. And who signed me up to clean blinds any way? My blinds are clean, my fans are clean, my showers are sparkly, wherever my fingers touch they don't come back dusty including my baseboards, and I haven't even walked barefoot on my floors yet, though that sounds really good right now. All that and I didn't do a thing. I will so be having my house cleaned more than once every two years from now on.

Afraid to Finish

Not THAT kind of finish, just finishing things in general. I get ALMOST to the end and then I cop out, especially if it's not an absolutely perfect situation (because so many things are, right?). Because I'm afraid. Afraid of turning the next corner and what I may find. Unless it has something that I'm remotely comfortable with or somebody else before me has done it, then I'm all over it. Otherwise I am scared. Scared to finish. Where are my wings?

Case in point, finding a nanny. We found one. I'm afraid to call her and offer her the job. What if she doesn't end up working out? What if she doesn't take our offer? What if we change our minds (again)? What if she doesn't take care of my kids as well as I would? I did finally call her this morning after realizing being scared of finishing is my hang up.

Second case in point, my job. I'm supposed to start permanently on the tenth and I am scared. to. death. Someone else to be responsible to? Someone else who can tell me I'm doing a shit job if I don't happen to juggle all the work, home, family life just right? Someone else who can fire me if I don't live up to the expectations? Somewhere I have to go almost every day and make sure my kids are taken care of absolutely without a doubt every single time and get fired if I don't? Scared shitless.

Buying our house? I picked out all the stuff for it, even the door in the garage that will be perfect for the dog or muddy kids. But I'm going to have to live with all those decisions day in and day out, and won't be able to blame the placement of the door, or the color of the counters, or the fact that we didn't choose to upgrade to the glass block tile in the bathroom on someone else. Just me. I'm scared of the finishing process of actually BUYING it, going ahead with the loan. Even if it means walking away from the $3500 we've put down that almost sounds like a better option to me than actually finishing the job.

Also. Finishing one job means I have to take the next. That scares me too.

Happy Labor Day!

Wow we've had an awesome weekend! We started off the weekend right with friends over Friday night for drinks and inappropriate movies. She's a bartender and is good at it, so we had our own personal bar all night long.

Saturday we checked out Austin's BatFest and chilled at the pool and Sunday we barbequed with the same friends, plus a few other friends. We started out at the pool but a storm blew in and we transferred the fajita fixin's to our place and played the night away here.

Today we took the boys down to Zilker park for a bike ride and three quarters of the way there realized we'd lost Brando's wallet. We spent the next three hours looking for it and finally gave up and took our bike ride. We got home and I grabbed my notebook to go inside and out fell his wallet. Awesome.

We're kicking back with some barbeque chicken pizza and a movie in a few minutes here. I've taken the last few days off and the next week off to figure out the kids schooling situation and I love not working for the moment.