Saturday, May 16, 2015

That place

Aaand I've gotten there. The place I don't want to be. The place where I say no to going out because it messes with my baby's schedule. The place where I let my kids schedule determine mine instead of the other way around. 

The place where I'm so tired I'll do anything I can to work around his schedule to keep baby happy so I don't have to be tired AND deal with miserable baby at same time. Maybe it's the age. Maybe it's me. I can't figure out which. I miss my friends. I miss my life. I love my baby. 

When I look at him I wouldn't trade a second of what I have with him. I'm glad he has a mommy that loves him so much adoring his every move. 

I just wish he had a happier mommy. I think too he is nursing less. My hormones are changing. That major oxytocin high where I haven't felt the low of the roller coaster for ten whole months is slowing down.

 I'm hitting the low and hitting hard. 

Last night I had a dream we had a sky ride coming into our bedroom. We rode on. The cable snapped. Somehow we survived. Then I accidentally got back on the broken cable with Logan. Brandon saw what was happening jumped in the next car then threw his phone over the side in despair when he realized what just happened. We'd both gotten on a broken ride. If that's not symbolism of how I'm feeling, I don't know what is. I'm back in that place again. I wish I wasn't. 
Little man says whether you're voting for school board or president, exercise you're right to vote!


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